i went on sunday and it was a lot of fun. i had to drive all the way down to middletown to pick up rachel before we got there. i ran into maggie while i was shitfaced with rachel and we all hung out for most of the day.. atleast what i can remember. i was supposed to meet up with kyle and other friends but no ones phones were working and stuff so that never worked out but i ran into so many people anyway so it was awesome. crazyyy day. & i got sunburned :-[

my thoughts on bamboozle 06

before i start, did anyone noticed that the main stage sounded worse than the others? hmm anyway. afi was definitely the highlight of the day. i have never seen them before and it was just an amazing experience. in my opinon, they should have been the last band to play.. not taking back sunday, who sucked ass. other than afi, 30 seconds to mars put on the best show. underoath was pretty awesome till they spoiled it by saying religious stuff that no one cares about before they went of stage. other great shows included chiodos, from autumn to ashes, poison the well, fall of troy, everytime i die, circa survive, alexisonfire and others.

we had 2 motivational speakers come to school today and talk to us about stuff that i didnt understand. we had a half day and then i went home and did college stuff.

i got in trouble for plagierizing (cant spell) in creative writing yesterday . me and kraivenger used some weird british website with a forum of short stories and passed them off as our own. we are royally fucked though. i now have a 60% in the class which means i need an 85% to pass or whatever and i have a letter going to my parents now which means im like dead. what a way to end senior year of high school. failing 3 subjects for bullshit reasons and being rejected from colleges left and right. i guess thats what i deserve for having pneumonia when i took the SAT's right? i guess it could be worse.

the good news of the past month would be me and joe winning tickets to see children of bodom, through the eyes of the dead and chimaira at starland ballroom over spring break from SOU pirate radio. that was pretty sickkk.

but anyway, the requiescats now have a drummer but we havent practiced yet. my lowrider is finally almost rideable (pic up on myspace) and im gonna prob get a haircut in the next month. uhmmm what else ohh yeah my weekend,

pretty uneventful . saw v for vendetta with gabrielle and liana saturday and visited centenary college which sucked. i hate it there. i got rejected from monmouth last week what the fuck? thats fucking bullshit. and montclair sent me a letter today claiming they never receieved my SAT scores so they cant process my application and now its too late cause they've admitted the maximum amount of students or whatever. its kinda funny how i paid 30 bucks to have them sent to msu way back in january and they do this. what a fucking waste of money and time. they were sent but apparently they didnt get them? i paid for this? haha yeah okay fuck them anyway. im prob gonna end up going to u of pittsburgh or kean. st peters is a last resort but i dont wanna go there cause it sucks. yeahh thats about all there is to say

later

i never use this anymore and its most likely going to stay that way unless i get bored randomly or something. i realized that all i did was bitch and moan and people would always ask me if i was okay or depressed or whatever. what they failed to realize was that i simply used this site to vent to myself and i never really cared who would read it.

but anyway, the last time i posted here was around my birthday. nothing much has changed to be honest. i have a new myspace cause my old onde was hacked into and i was forced to delete it. oh well i dont really care i was thinking of not even making a new one, but then i realized why not i mean what the hell its just a site that, no, i am not obsessed with unline everyone else.

i still havent gotten my basic license yet, yepp thats how lazy i am. school is uhmm school. its just there. i dont really think to much about it, i just do it. college? again not much to say other than im waiting to here from a few and i will most likely attend either monmouth or montclair state next year. my mom wants me to go to fairleigh dickinson, ha! fuck that shit. although i do have to go to this gayy open house there tomorrow which i really dont wanna go to. cause im learning disabled, i have to take a special placement exam thats four hours long... insane if you ask me. but thats just how it is.

love life? pretty much non existant and its probably going to stay that way for quite some time... whether i like it or not :-/

soo anywho that just about sums up the past couple of months. good night all ! <3

my 18th birthday is friday, yahoo! who wants to give me birthday presents??! wo0t

so this past week has been the worst of the school year and quite possibly the entire year. i can honestly say that not one thing has gone right for me during these days. i just dont give a shit about school or family or anything anymore. im failing 3 subjects, i got a 1410 on my SATs the SECOND time, i got my rejection letter from scranton this morning, i never do homework anymore, i never pass tests, my essays are crap... the list goes on. what the fuck is wrong with me? is this the famed senioritis or what? all i know is something better change for the better or im going nowhere in the future.

my parents are grounding me for my poor performance in pretty much everything lately. my dad and my sister wont even fucking be here for christmas, they are going to ireland and im stuck with my mom and it really sucks. i have a journalism exam on my birthday next month so i cant even get my basic license, instead i get to take a midterm! yay. my truck is on its deathbed, 93000 miles and its just about to die. got it back from the shop today and he said it might be time to get a new used car or something. as if i have the money for a car, i dont even have a fucking job. my sister has a job and she did better on her psats than i did on my sats. shes not failing anything, shes spoiled by my parents, shes not going through any of the shit that im going through. i envy her sometimes. i know i shouldnt but i do.

it just seems that the things that used to matter the most to me dont matter at all anymore. school would always come first, family would always be there in support, my friends would too. i realized something today on the train home from hanging out with maggie in new york, life really sucks. the people you love will turn against you in time, some of your friends will change and never turn back, parents are out there to get you, they "only want whats best," i think they only want to look like good parents so they die knowing they did the right thing. i want to be happy again. the last time i was happy was during the summer. sure i may FEEL happy but that in my opinion does not qualify as actually BEING truly happy. its funny how there are people out there who love you to death and you dont feel the same way, but there are people out there who you love but they dont even know you exist. you think your happy and you think your in love, but that is just a mere feeling. you want to feel that love but sometimes its just not there. sometimes you hate someone so much that it just overrides the feelings you once had for that person. people suck. end of story. i have my close friends and thats all i need. they will always come first no matter what.

and another thing, im sick and tired of people calling me a man whore and a myspace whore and all this bullshit. who gives you the right to talk to me that way? first of all, its not even true, i am not a whore in either regard. myspace is a website that some people are pathetic enough to become addicted to (im not one of them, ive had it since before it was cool and im not obsessed or anything) so get over it. man whore? hmm yeah avoiding random hook ups sure is the best way to get ass, dont you think?? if everyone was like me and didnt hook up with people he or she didnt like then, wow there would be a lot of whores out there!! ;-). that makes sense.

im done dating for a while. im sick of the drama, im sick of the bullshit, im sick of the lies and im sick of love. i obviously dont mean enough to you, do i? what is my problem anyway id love to know...

i still love you anyway

i just woke up sick as fuck.. this sucks cause id rather be sick during school. oh well. so im not doing anything for thanksgiving just sleeping i guess.

awesome concert at starland tonight with paul ward. ive always liked bad religion but never really appreciated them as much before i saw them live... they are better than ever. anti flag opened up for them and it was fucking insane. wow i got my ass kicked but it was worth it. anyway yeah later

high school relationship? please dont make me laugh. this just in: WE ARE STILL IN FUCKING HIGH SCHOOL WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT. maybe you should have thought before you deleted all my friends and acted like a complete bitch to them. ill take my best friends before any girl, any day. bros before hoes as i like to put it. i dont appreciate your father treating me like crap either, and you have to admit, he really did. but thats a completely different issue all together. you think i dont know what love is? love is what is going to plague me for the rest of my life. its how i feel about you no matter what happens. and it sucks. did i ever mean what i said? you better believe it. i meant every last word and then some. love you or loose you? no im sorry but i dont like being ordered around like that. you do that pretty well might i add. no body tells me what to do. if i want a break im taking a fucking break. leaving me during that break was your choice. not mine. and i think ill take this time to correct your entry. you have a few errors that bother me and i want to fix them... "No, everything doesn't happen for a reason.
No, there are no relationships that "just don't work", even though the people love each other."

yes everything DOES happen for a reason and yes there are relationships that just dont work. you can love someone and not be able to live with them. its that simple. so anyway, leaving me during this break was your choice. i cant handle your pathetic drama anymore, im sorry. high school relationship my ass. we were so above that its not even funny, and you know what? we always will be. i dont care what you have in response to this but, I love you Lindsay, with all my heart. i will love you till the day i day and whatever after. you are my soulmate, my only reason to live, we were made for each other. and i still cant live without you. im sorry if i cant handle a relationship at this time. im sorry if "just friends" isnt good enough for you. i hope you know that you will never leave my thoughts and prayers. they never have since the first day i layed eyes on you. the moment i met you at your school changed my life forever. it was love at first sight. you are my only true love... i will never feel the same passion and feelings for anyone else i meet in my life and i fucking guarantee it.

"And what bothers me most, is you'll always have me.

And you don't even appreciate it."

my response to this is, what bothers me the most is the fact that you'll never know how much you mean to me. you never have and never will. and yes i do appreciate it, very much so. now ill close this pathetic arguement with the poem i wrote to you while crying in my bed longing for your love which i will never physically feel again. i wrote this the day after we broke up. maybe it will make you believe that you are my only one, no matter what happens in either of our lives.

Alone

"Purity once had a name,
And beauty once had a face.
Life once had a meaning,
And once I was safe.
Once there was freedom,
And once I could laugh.
Happiness once was alive,
And once I had another half.
Once I shared her love,
Once I was by her side,
Once I felt I fitted,
So quickly that died.
Her grace so great,
Her beauty so vast,
All I ever wanted,
Was for it to last."

blah . terrible weekend. the ruckus show was last night and of course that sucked cause lindsay cant be in the same room as any of my friends or shit happens as always. so that was a nightmare. ive tried everything to make it work and nothing ever does work. what more am i supposed to do? i felt bad for insulting her rotten excuse for a father and "ignoring" her last night so we planned to go into the city today and i was going to treat her. turns out she had to go dress shopping for that assholes wedding and couldnt see me. what it wise to tell me 12:30 that day? of course not, in fact it was the opposite. my mom flipped out cause she get money for me to go cause im broke (of course i was going to pay her back) and she was late for work and missed her lunch hour cause of me. it wasnt my fault, lindsay didnt fucking tell me till soo late anyway, what else is new? now both my parents hate me cause they take each others sides in shit naturally. so whatever they can go fuck off. so anyway we were going to see a movie tonight and then it hit me, what the fuck was i thinking? why should i agree to this? she got me in huge trouble (as gay as that was) and ditched our plans. this is not the first time this has happened. she expects me to be perfectly ok with this? thats bullshit. so i made other plans and of course, when she hears this, she flips out. so we fought and stuff and all that shit. then she came over and i could barely speak. i just cant handle it anymore. i tried as best as i can and i cant handle a relationship with her. i do love her, i really do. but i cant handle being with her. unless there were drastic changes, it cant continue. and it wont cause that will never happen. my friends mean a lot to me. i cant handle the shit that goes on with them and her. its bullshit and i dont deserve it. why am i wasting my/our time? same with her parents. well her dad. hes such a fucking douchebag. it humors me how dumb he is. he writes down my license plate number cause he sees my truck in the parking lot thinking i snuck in and asks her if it was mine. we said yea and he believed us. what a dumb ass. and not just that, but he has to learn some fucking manners. and not everything can go his way. maybe thats why hes still a failure at his seasoned age. her friends are fucked up too. well not really but the situation is. like i said in previous entries, i cant talk to marisa cause shes better looking than her other friends and she thinks i like her. give me a break i wouldnt waste my time. trust is important. we dont have this and never did. i think this statement speaks for itself. i cant take it anymore and i wont. thats all i have to say on the matter.

soo me and ashlee hung out tonight. it was awesome cause i havent seen her before this weekend since warped tour. and i saw her twice :-). it was fun but i got lost both on the way and on the way back lol. good times though. i hope we can hang out more often...

arent i cool? you know it. anywho yeah so i feel like shit and i dont care enough about school so i havent gone in a while. soo thursday i stayed home and did nothing. friday i did nothing and went to the mall with kate to by the mest cd i wanted for a while. we saw this old asian lady get arrested for stealing a dvd! it was awesome. honestly is harry potter really worth it? when we were leaving we saw her in the back of the cop car and laughed. it made my day. then we got lost in union and cranford and passed the high school i took the SATs at and it made me sad. then i went home and called breana cause everyone else was sleeping and i couldnt. i didnt go to sleep till 2 am cause i kept having nightmares, oh well :-(. sooo i the SATs were saturday morning and i have no comment on them. they sucked and they pissed me off end of story.

after the SATs i finally got to see lindsay after a week (it felt like much longer). we hung out at her dads house and then went to show at hamilton. i havent been there since we were together last april. its changed a lot but whatever i never really liked it that much anyway. some of the bands were pretty good but it wasnt my cup of tea lol. people saw me there but didnt say hi cause they suck. i didnt really care anyway cause the only one i was paying attention to was lindsay. then we went home and explored madison and chatham before going home. we passed my grandmas old house and it made me sad (like a lot of stuff does). it was nice to spend so much time with her saturday though. i showed her the pants man movie and she liked it thank god. it came out pretty awesome, i need to get more copies!!!!!

soo anyway sunday i basically just slept and sat around. i was in a bad mood all day and idk why. i guess school or whatever. i didnt go to scranton cause i was too tired from the SATs. me and lindsay hung out for a little bit. i wish we could go back to that bench in the park tonight and watch the sunset like we did last night :-(.

today i stayed home from school and worked on some homework. it was boring then i went to sleep, then picked up my dad at the airport. my neighor in ireland was robbed by the IRA and almost bled to death. its fucking scary over there right now. im almost glad im in jersey haha. the worst part of today came when i was picking up my sister. it was bad enough i couldnt see lindsay this morning when i dropped claire off but claire didnt get out till 3:20 today so i didnt see linds after school either. to make matters worse, i ran out of gas on route 22 and had to get my shit truck towed. i have the worst luck ever. now im short $450. how awesome. i hate money sometimes. i dont really care though, its just a fucking truck. i wont even be able to drive in college, which makes me wonder why people look forward to going to college so much... you cant even own a fucking car. how gay is that. your stuck in and around campus all the time. what fun! yet another reason to loathe college apps. anywho im done. people still dont know that my phone died and im using my dads till i get a new one on christmas. my number is 908 656 3930 its not that hard to remember, jesus christ. later